Have you ever heard the statement “be your own best friend?” I used to hear it as a little girl and honestly it would make me cringe.
How could I really be my own best friend? I mean seriously...what did that mean anyway???
Well now after years have gone by, and I am well out of my childhood...based off the numbers mind you. I promise I am still a girl at heart...I found myself telling my daughter to do just this the other night, but I did her a favor which I had never received. I explained exactly what this means to me...
In truth, the reason this idea made me so uncomfortable was because I knew it meant being comfortable with being alone. Which since things often overlap, will have be separated into a different post.
For much of my life until very recently I had not learned of the quiet power that can come from being alone. Even with my first blog post here a few years back I stated that I had finally learned to be alone but that it didn’t mean I liked it.
I was always the girl that hated to be alone. I am not sure if that was because I was the oldest of seven children or because of my Libra nature, but I had it bad.
The truth is that I always felt alone deep down inside and I suppose to fill that void I wanted to have people around...although the years have taught me that some people have the uncanny ability to make you feel alone even if you are with them all the time.
In my last post I talked about caring and being a people pleaser, which I really feel does play into the need to have others around. I explained how I cared a lot about what others thought of me, and I honestly think I have not been alone in this world ‘on basing my worth on the opinions of others.’
Now I while I won’t entirely discount the opinions of others. I now look at such things as though I were reading a highly subjective movie review, rather than a yardstick that is a measure of my character.
The opinions of others are just that...opinions! And although they can be informative at times, they can be destructive as well, and I find if people are spouting them off too frequently they are usually the latter. Isn't it curious that these are most often the people who know you the least?
Just remember opinions are not the whole picture.
Maybe it is such experiences that have changed me from the girl that always thought what she was missing was a very best girlfriend, to a grown lady who is capable of being her own friend when there isn't one around.
I am sure we all have various definitions of what a friend is. At the same time I am sure most of us share consistent expectations. I encourage you to make a list and take a look at it. Here is an example.
A friend is someone who...
is Loyal
is Honest
is Protective
is Fun
is Comfortable to be with
is Accepting
is Interesting
is Fun to talk to
is A Good listener
is Good company
Supports me
Listens to me
Likes me maybe even loves me
You get the idea. The of course there are the what a friend is ‘not’ list. Which is something like this...
A friend is not,,,
Judgemental
Sarcastic
Impatient
Negative
Needy
Jealous
Constantly demanding of my time and attention
Someone who shares my secrets and confidences with others
A person who talks down to me or brings me down
Someone who will slander me or stab me in the back
So here is the key. Now that you have a list to look at of what a friend is and is not, then you honestly measure yourself against the list. Because you know yourself better than anyone this is about seeing the facts and not others opinions, so ask yourself questions like...
Am I loyal to myself?
Am I honest with myself and others?
Am I protective of myself and my loved ones?
Am I fun?
Am I comfortable to be around, or do I put myself and others on edge?
Am I accepting of myself? (If you're not, how can you be of others?)
Am I interesting? (We will have to cover this in a separate post, but still ask yourself this question.)
Even ask yourself, Do I listen to myself? Do I know what I am saying, and what I am saying is really about? Are there hidden messages I am covering up? (If you are inconsistent in your messages with yourself I guarantee you are with those around you.)
Do I act supportive of my own dreams, desires and of myself during struggles?
Do I like myself?
Am I impatient?
Am I negative?
Am I needy or demanding?
Do I share my secrets and confidences with others?
This goes along with being protective of ourselves and I think it’s HUGE! Sometimes in our desire to relate to others by letting them know we aren't perfect either, we trust them with very personal things...information about our struggles or past experiences that leave us very vulnerable...especially if they haven't proved that they are trustworthy or have the compassion to see it and you, without judgement.
The funny thing about this is that when you share these sort of confidences with someone looking for their understanding, you run the risk that instead of them saying, “hey, you are human like me and I've had struggles too and feel less alone now”...they instead feel they have some sort of power over you or upper hand.
The folks who seem to need you to validate your humanness for them the most are the ones you shouldn’t take the risk on, as they are insecure and looking for any justification or evidence that somehow they just aren't as bad as you are.
Respect yourself enough to be protective of your life's past experiences. You know better than anyone that the lessons you’ve gained from what you've gone through have made you the much more conscious person that you are now.
If you have that understanding, when others give you a lot of information about themselves you can give them some respect as well letting them know that their various past experiences are just that, and they do not completely define them. It would be ignorance to think they do.
Also ask yourself am I a jealous person? (This is a big one that we will cover later)
This being your own friend is just as much about what kind of friend you are to others, as it is about what kind of friend you are to yourself.
The way you feel about yourself will often project into the way you feel about others. When you think you know something about someone, ask yourself if what you think you feel about them really is a reflection of something going on with you more than it really is something about them?
Remember this when you ask yourself do I talk down to myself? Am I critical or judgmental toward myself? Do I hold negative thoughts about myself that I tell myself over and over? If the answer is yes, then you need to change this pattern and fast! Nothing can keep you from being your own best friend, than already being your own worst enemy. So in the words that I have heard my boyfriend repeat over and over when I have been stuck in those negative talk patterns towards myself “STOP IT!”
So those are some steps I have taken to getting on the path to being my own best friend. It has been and still is a learning process and it takes time. It is my experience that I can usually only work on one item at a time on my list. It takes work and a lot of time an effort to invest in your relationship with yourself, which is really no different than the sacrifices you would make in any other relationship.
The benefits of working on the friendship you have with yourself, is that you are more in control of the outcome. Be warned though, it can also be more painful at times because you have to be honest with yourself and let go of patterns that are destructive that you can sometimes ignore in others.
I am gentle with myself about this process of growing and changing because that is what a good friend would be, and because I am committed to be my own best friend.
Some reasons for this are that I alone am responsible for my happiness. No one else is. I also know that people have and will, come and go in my life and that changes in our relationships are inevitable. It is unfair to expect others to solely fulfill my personal needs or to hold them prisoner to my expectations. I have to make sure I am the friend who will provide what I need for myself first so that no matter what, I know it is there to receive no matter how alone I might actually be.
I had this realization today. I was thinking about caring and how I used to care so much about the feelings of others that I would do almost anything to spare their feelings or to keep them from being mad or inconvenienced. I also cared a lot about what others thought of me. This meant that it was easy for me to get pushed around and I was a target for those who wanted to control me.
I am not sure when and how I became a people pleaser. I feel that I was sort of set up to be that way. Always getting the message that I wasn’t enough and that if I was only different then my parents, siblings, friends...husband would be happier.
From an early age the belief was ingrained in me that if I cared about others I would be more like them, think like them and do what they wanted. There was nothing ever brought to my attention about how we are each individually responsible for our own happiness and that others don’t make us anything...happy, unhappy, angry or anything else. We chose our emotion whether it is subconscious or conscious, and then chose to act and then of course we have deal with the outcome of our choice.
I was so sensitive to the belief that I was a disappointment if I didn’t do everything perfect...not understanding that perfection was subjective at the time...that I feared everything and was certain I couldn't do anything right. Since I had so many people trying to make decisions for me and telling me what choices to make and what to think this only confirmed my belief that I was incapable of doing so myself and a disappointment.
So for the first part of my life I was a people pleaser that couldn't seem to please any one...make anyone happy...then I had an epiphany. It started with my in-laws (now ex-in-laws) who I was never good enough for, which was excruciatingly evident by the way they treated me. I would bend over backwards to try to be a friend, show interest and support in their lives and with their kids. It was bad and although I won't go into details I will say that for my ten year marriage I was just miserable. I cared a whole lot about people who cared nothing for me.
I am sure almost everyone has felt that feeling before on some levels. You care so much about people that when they are unkind, do things at your expense or just don’t care, it is painful.
My number one realization at the end of my marriage was that these people made a choice from the moment they meet me that nothing I was going to do would ever be good enough. It doesn't even matter why really. They set me up to fail before even knowing who I was or my heart. The thing that baffles me now, is how I could care so much about having their love and approval.
Well I was set up for that, way before I ever meet them because of the beliefs I had ingrained in me as a child and my inherent caring nature.
Since that time I have dealt with many cruel uncaring people throughout my life. I have seen and experienced people who claimed to be strong righteous followers of Christ, do everything in their power to crush and bring down others around them believing it bring themselves up and even justify to themselves up or even doing the “right thing.”
I have analyzed my feelings about caring and what it really is about. I have felt like it was my caring about others that has even gotten me into trouble at times. People that pushed me hard to make choices that later caused me pain. The world carries with it a “dog eat dog” moto and for the record I hate it! The worlds message is to care only about number one, meaning oneself and puts selfishness first.
Logically though we know that the world gets nowhere with this mentality. Nothing we do can really function without consideration for those around us...at least not for long. Every business exists because it serves someone on some level. We keep the laws on the road and we are protected as we protect others...families, friendships, romantic relationships all require an ‘us’ factor and we know they will eventually suffocate or become extremely destructive when selfishness is the continuing theme.
We know this but we are constantly bombarded by the “me theme.”
In this past year I’ve reached my limit. I have been pushed so hard, so often and by so many people I cared about that I was done without question. I have suffered painful consequences a number of times when I have allowed people to push me to do things they said were best...people who really despite their words...did not have my best interests at heart.
I am not talking about peer pressure to do something immoral here people. I am talking about those who think that everyone must do things their way, and cannot allow others the ability to grow, make choices and achieve things on their own without their interfering hands in the pot.
So anyway... originally with one of these people particular I thought I had established my boundaries, communicated clearly and hoped by doing so I would not have to deal with more of this sort of conflict. The problem is that if people want conflict they will find a way to create it even when it isn’t there.
You see they believe if you don't do things “their way” you deserve to be punished, yelled at and even gossiped about...even lied about.
So what about caring? How do you care about someone who doesn't care enough about you to respecting your choices and to want what is best for you?
Last year I walked away from a relationship that was becoming destructive and took a stand. I knew on my heart that this person cared more about things going their way then what was in my best interest. I knew that if they cared about the friendship as much as they said they did they would have been fiercely loyal and protective of me because I was in a devastating place at the time, but instead they kicked me when I was down...so I asked myself today when I dropped my daughter off at my future mother in laws, and saw this same person walking their dog in the distance...what about caring?
You see I knew I cared. What this person did hurt so bad I couldn't sleep for weeks & weeks...in fact my body thought it was under full blown attack because my adrenals would not stop producing adrenaline. It was like the last and final straw for me mentally and it took me down hard. I was not in any position to deal with one more unnecessary drama.
All this spun through my mind today and then at lunch while I was listening to K-Love in my car and thinking about the Savior, I thought about caring. You see he cares about all of us even when we care nothing for him.
I even told my daughter this last night when she was telling me how worried she was about what others think of her during her dance class...she is like her mother used to be. She has a tendency to define her value based on what others think of her....especially those she cares about.
I told her that Christ cares about us even if we don’t him. He would never take back all he has done for us. He is not jealous, he is not motivated by selfishness only love. Love, real love I told her is open and embracing and without judgment. It reaches out and invites, it doesn't push and shove and it isn't closed, jealous, suspicious and conditional.
This conversation last night was the key to my thoughts today. So Christ cares. I have no doubt he cares about all of us, but when I've realized others have manipulated my caring to have their way, and how much pain that has cost me in the past...and how many times I’ve wondered if I should keep caring and asked myself why I even do....?
I wondered again at how much He cares even when so many don’t return the favor and then it hit me. He will always care, but he never will care so much about us that he ever compromises who he is, and what is right. He always stood his ground. He wasn’t mean he wasn’t cruel but he always stood for his beliefs. No one could sway him.
No wonder so many were angered by him and hated him. Because he didn’t do things their way...and you all know someone who thinks their way is the only way...but he still cared. He just knew that the sacrifice he was to make for us was not to sacrifice who he was to make others happy, but it was a sacrifice in spite of what others wanted.
During his ministry he didn’t even hang out with those people. He was kind to them and answered their questions as they sought him out but he put his energy into those who respected him and who were humble. God often has to love us from afar. He won't dwell with us in our hearts are turned from him, but I believe the love he has for us never stops. He stands with reaching arms inviting us but never forcing. He has boundaries and that never changes.
I’ve also realized that he also feels similar pain as we because he cares. There really can not be any caring without a risk and it hurts when it isn't returned.
Christ suffered at the hand of others, so who are we to think we are too good to suffer that same kind of hurt and rejection at the hands of another?
So I what came to terms with today on a deeper level than I had before, is that it is okay that I took a stand. It is okay that I have boundaries. I don’t have to prove my love and how much I cared about a friendship by giving up myself and what I and my children needed, and knew was right for me and my family. I do not have to follow the self serving intentions of another.
I still care about this person...wish they understood the magnitude of what they were pressuring me to do and how very detrimental it would be for me in the long run...although I am pretty sure they knew, and that was the problem. It kind of comes down to “who in their right mind....?”
All the same I think it is sad. Sad that people do this to one another. We have such a great example of love and caring through Christ so why don’t we follow him? I am talking about the basics. Love being the number one.
My belief in God and Christ comes down to my belief in love. I don't care for the social pressures and appearances that seems to go along with being a follower... there can be a lot of pride and blindness there...all I see is that if we are without that love and genuine caring, which is truly Charity. Then we aren't following him at all...then I guess we don’t really care.
I myself commit to always care, but I now care enough to have boundaries as well.
