I had this realization today. I was thinking about caring and how I used to care so much about the feelings of others that I would do almost anything to spare their feelings or to keep them from being mad or inconvenienced. I also cared a lot about what others thought of me. This meant that it was easy for me to get pushed around and I was a target for those who wanted to control me.
I am not sure when and how I became a people pleaser. I feel that I was sort of set up to be that way. Always getting the message that I wasn’t enough and that if I was only different then my parents, siblings, friends...husband would be happier.
From an early age the belief was ingrained in me that if I cared about others I would be more like them, think like them and do what they wanted. There was nothing ever brought to my attention about how we are each individually responsible for our own happiness and that others don’t make us anything...happy, unhappy, angry or anything else. We chose our emotion whether it is subconscious or conscious, and then chose to act and then of course we have deal with the outcome of our choice.
I was so sensitive to the belief that I was a disappointment if I didn’t do everything perfect...not understanding that perfection was subjective at the time...that I feared everything and was certain I couldn't do anything right. Since I had so many people trying to make decisions for me and telling me what choices to make and what to think this only confirmed my belief that I was incapable of doing so myself and a disappointment.
So for the first part of my life I was a people pleaser that couldn't seem to please any one...make anyone happy...then I had an epiphany. It started with my in-laws (now ex-in-laws) who I was never good enough for, which was excruciatingly evident by the way they treated me. I would bend over backwards to try to be a friend, show interest and support in their lives and with their kids. It was bad and although I won't go into details I will say that for my ten year marriage I was just miserable. I cared a whole lot about people who cared nothing for me.
I am sure almost everyone has felt that feeling before on some levels. You care so much about people that when they are unkind, do things at your expense or just don’t care, it is painful.
My number one realization at the end of my marriage was that these people made a choice from the moment they meet me that nothing I was going to do would ever be good enough. It doesn't even matter why really. They set me up to fail before even knowing who I was or my heart. The thing that baffles me now, is how I could care so much about having their love and approval.
Well I was set up for that, way before I ever meet them because of the beliefs I had ingrained in me as a child and my inherent caring nature.
Since that time I have dealt with many cruel uncaring people throughout my life. I have seen and experienced people who claimed to be strong righteous followers of Christ, do everything in their power to crush and bring down others around them believing it bring themselves up and even justify to themselves up or even doing the “right thing.”
I have analyzed my feelings about caring and what it really is about. I have felt like it was my caring about others that has even gotten me into trouble at times. People that pushed me hard to make choices that later caused me pain. The world carries with it a “dog eat dog” moto and for the record I hate it! The worlds message is to care only about number one, meaning oneself and puts selfishness first.
Logically though we know that the world gets nowhere with this mentality. Nothing we do can really function without consideration for those around us...at least not for long. Every business exists because it serves someone on some level. We keep the laws on the road and we are protected as we protect others...families, friendships, romantic relationships all require an ‘us’ factor and we know they will eventually suffocate or become extremely destructive when selfishness is the continuing theme.
We know this but we are constantly bombarded by the “me theme.”
In this past year I’ve reached my limit. I have been pushed so hard, so often and by so many people I cared about that I was done without question. I have suffered painful consequences a number of times when I have allowed people to push me to do things they said were best...people who really despite their words...did not have my best interests at heart.
I am not talking about peer pressure to do something immoral here people. I am talking about those who think that everyone must do things their way, and cannot allow others the ability to grow, make choices and achieve things on their own without their interfering hands in the pot.
So anyway... originally with one of these people particular I thought I had established my boundaries, communicated clearly and hoped by doing so I would not have to deal with more of this sort of conflict. The problem is that if people want conflict they will find a way to create it even when it isn’t there.
You see they believe if you don't do things “their way” you deserve to be punished, yelled at and even gossiped about...even lied about.
So what about caring? How do you care about someone who doesn't care enough about you to respecting your choices and to want what is best for you?
Last year I walked away from a relationship that was becoming destructive and took a stand. I knew on my heart that this person cared more about things going their way then what was in my best interest. I knew that if they cared about the friendship as much as they said they did they would have been fiercely loyal and protective of me because I was in a devastating place at the time, but instead they kicked me when I was down...so I asked myself today when I dropped my daughter off at my future mother in laws, and saw this same person walking their dog in the distance...what about caring?
You see I knew I cared. What this person did hurt so bad I couldn't sleep for weeks & weeks...in fact my body thought it was under full blown attack because my adrenals would not stop producing adrenaline. It was like the last and final straw for me mentally and it took me down hard. I was not in any position to deal with one more unnecessary drama.
All this spun through my mind today and then at lunch while I was listening to K-Love in my car and thinking about the Savior, I thought about caring. You see he cares about all of us even when we care nothing for him.
I even told my daughter this last night when she was telling me how worried she was about what others think of her during her dance class...she is like her mother used to be. She has a tendency to define her value based on what others think of her....especially those she cares about.
I told her that Christ cares about us even if we don’t him. He would never take back all he has done for us. He is not jealous, he is not motivated by selfishness only love. Love, real love I told her is open and embracing and without judgment. It reaches out and invites, it doesn't push and shove and it isn't closed, jealous, suspicious and conditional.
This conversation last night was the key to my thoughts today. So Christ cares. I have no doubt he cares about all of us, but when I've realized others have manipulated my caring to have their way, and how much pain that has cost me in the past...and how many times I’ve wondered if I should keep caring and asked myself why I even do....?
I wondered again at how much He cares even when so many don’t return the favor and then it hit me. He will always care, but he never will care so much about us that he ever compromises who he is, and what is right. He always stood his ground. He wasn’t mean he wasn’t cruel but he always stood for his beliefs. No one could sway him.
No wonder so many were angered by him and hated him. Because he didn’t do things their way...and you all know someone who thinks their way is the only way...but he still cared. He just knew that the sacrifice he was to make for us was not to sacrifice who he was to make others happy, but it was a sacrifice in spite of what others wanted.
During his ministry he didn’t even hang out with those people. He was kind to them and answered their questions as they sought him out but he put his energy into those who respected him and who were humble. God often has to love us from afar. He won't dwell with us in our hearts are turned from him, but I believe the love he has for us never stops. He stands with reaching arms inviting us but never forcing. He has boundaries and that never changes.
I’ve also realized that he also feels similar pain as we because he cares. There really can not be any caring without a risk and it hurts when it isn't returned.
Christ suffered at the hand of others, so who are we to think we are too good to suffer that same kind of hurt and rejection at the hands of another?
So I what came to terms with today on a deeper level than I had before, is that it is okay that I took a stand. It is okay that I have boundaries. I don’t have to prove my love and how much I cared about a friendship by giving up myself and what I and my children needed, and knew was right for me and my family. I do not have to follow the self serving intentions of another.
I still care about this person...wish they understood the magnitude of what they were pressuring me to do and how very detrimental it would be for me in the long run...although I am pretty sure they knew, and that was the problem. It kind of comes down to “who in their right mind....?”
All the same I think it is sad. Sad that people do this to one another. We have such a great example of love and caring through Christ so why don’t we follow him? I am talking about the basics. Love being the number one.
My belief in God and Christ comes down to my belief in love. I don't care for the social pressures and appearances that seems to go along with being a follower... there can be a lot of pride and blindness there...all I see is that if we are without that love and genuine caring, which is truly Charity. Then we aren't following him at all...then I guess we don’t really care.
I myself commit to always care, but I now care enough to have boundaries as well.
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