As I have mentioned in prior posts, I used to hate the idea of being alone let alone actually having to be alone...there are sure a lot of alones in that sentence...whew!
What I never realized was that there is a difference between alone time, and loneliness.
One thing I certain of is that if you are going to be your own best friend, you do have to master being alone in what are considered healthy and positive ways.
Now just so we are on the level, this is something I myself have only recently mastered. There is a chance that it isn’t the little bit on maturity in my back pocket, but more as a result of my lifes experiences.
As I’ve said before I am the oldest of seven children and through most of my life I’ve always had someone around. In fact privacy was almost unheard of.
I distinctly remember when I first got married and my husband was at work during the day (I worked a night shift at the time) I would turn the T.V. on and let it run even if I was in another room doing something else, because the silence of being alone was too deafening.
I had also been raised in a home with the backyard to the freeway, so when we moved to that quiet neighborhood in Bountiful, it was a stark unsettling contrast.
It just proves what I was taught in Design school...that we humans are very adaptable even in undesirable circumstances.
There are many types of being alone. There is the alone where you could be around a million people and feel deep down that you are isolated and unseen. This feeling I think comes from a deep inherent need to be understood and when we feel no one understands us, then we feel alone which is what I consider loneliness.
I loved it when Lisa Nichols came to Salt Lake City a few year back and said something about this. In essence she said that the reason no one understands you because they aren't you. It is not their dream or their purpose or thier life. It is yours, so they aren't going to get it. That is okay.
I needed to hear that. Somehow, I had always felt that I needed to be validated, understood and be seen. It seemed if anyone came along in my life and seemed to ‘get me’ or showed a lot of interest, I was going to be attracted to them.
The problem with this though is their motives or intentions were not always to ‘get me’ (understand me) but to see what they could ‘get out of me.’ Then when it was all said and done I felt betrayed.
It is rejection we seem to hate and fear most, and I think we somehow believe if people just understood us we would be spared from that rejection. It’s probably true. If people did take the time to really ‘get’ one another...which would require a truly compassionate effort...there probably would be little rejection. Life isn't like that though.
Another type of alone, is just physically being alone. This is difficult in its own ways. Some of us folks love to have others around, and find that this interaction with others recharges our battery.
Then there are people who practically climb the wall when they are isolated. They need constant interaction and having any quiet time is as bad as a jail sentence. It almost seems like these people are afraid to be alone with themselves because they don't know what might happen if they actually had to face themselves.
I am not this person to be honest. This may be the most revealing post to date of my ever increasing introverted side, but I have learned that for me to re-boot, so to speak..I need some alone time.
Although I’ve been calling it “being alone” its meaning here can be used somewhat interchangeably with the words ‘privacy’ ‘solitude,’ and ‘retreat.’ I am not encouraging loneliness because you couldn't be your own best friend successfully if you felt lonely, plus no one ever wants to feel lonely.
What I am talking about is time for yourself. It is that time you set aside for you where no one else can get in your head. Their judgments, demands and expectations are not invited...neither is their noise and the distractions that come with it.
Alone time is the space you allow yourself to breath. You can meditate, exercise and do something for yourself that usually you must schedule time for. You have to make you the priority even if it is for only a little while. That is what this is about.
This is the balance you add to your life. It is not about being a hermit...although I admit at times I have actually fantasized about being just that...and I find this tends to happen when I’ve allowed other demands or negative people swallow up my time or I am not using it well...
So this is what my experience has been with alone time, and here is the key. I am not always physically alone when I experience it...before you decide to have me committed, let me explain how this looks for me.
It is different than feeling alone with a bunch of people around you, yet it is the same. The difference is it isn't something you dread or feel badly about, it is something you will chose and you usually chose it out of self preservation.
The truth is I have very little privacy, which means that there are a lot of things I want to do that I don’t get to do. When I am listening to Pandora dance mixes I am doing it with headphones on because there are people around who won't appreciate this genre, so I’m not able to blast it on the stereo in an open room and dance like no one is watching...because I really only dance when no one is watching.
Please! No one, not even my kids want to see my hips gyrating anymore, or my spinning around like a ballerina.
This is an example of something I do purely for myself to let out all my stresses and loosen up...but for the last four years because of economic hardship I have had to share a bedroom with my daughter and I have had to live in houses with multiple families so there little privacy for such things.
This is why I said before, my valuing alone time has come from my experiences. Oh, I used to have alone time before. Like after my divorce when I had my home still. I had plenty of alone time during the time my kids were with their dad. What I didn't realize nor did I always utilize it well, was that time was my recharging time. It kept me sane.
So many of us push through life putting ourselves on the back burner. We think we'll take the time later but we have to make it now or it never comes along
I promise something very powerful happens when you take time for yourself even if it is just a few minutes. Here are some examples of how I get my “me time” in.
I exercise. even if it is twenty to thirty minutes walking fast on the treadmill because I can’t hit the gym. I make sure I do this much at least twice a week.
I paint. Okay maybe that sounds simple and it can be, but my art is a must less intrusive escape from reality than my dancing in the dark used to be. I just set aside a little spot in the kitchen and it doesnt matter who is around when I am so preoccupied. Headphones help also.
I will give myself a facial if I can squeeze in some extra time. One thing I love, is to give myself a manicure or pedicure. This one is tricky and I have to work it around my schedule as well as others....I can’t paint nail polish in the car like my daughter does, since nail polish that hasn't had time to dry properly makes me insane. If you have the means, pay someone else to do it for you.
This, is an example of taking the time to do something for me, and when my toes are all cute and I see them poking through my open toed pumps I feel pretty good about valuing myself enough to makes sure even my feet look nice.
Reading books and sketching are great ways to have alone time. A lot of my alone time is in the car driving or waiting for my daughter at dance or my sons during his drum lessons. That is when I get out a book, which for me somewhat transfers me to another dimension or I will get my creative juices flowing over a sketch book.
I honestly can get so engrossed in things like this, that I am somewhere else in my mind and all my worries have melted away for a time. It is a vacation for the mind and it is a huge stress buster for me. In fact it is tapping into my creative genius these past few years that has helped me overcome my worst depression.
So I highly recommend getting in touch with your positive-creative-capacities. Put a focus on making them a priority in your life, to infuse a ‘feel good power into your day.’ This is the best medicine for discouragement I have found for me personally.
Do it without expectations for others approval though. You are doing it for you, not for anyone else.
If you do it without that in mind you will be stuck on what everyone outside of you thinks about what you are producing, and it will stifle your creativity and growth as well as add to the mound of life's pressures you are already feeling.
While you don’t need others opinions all the time, don’t be averse to asking advice of an experienced professional whose insight can give you the tools you need to develop and improve what you are doing.
Another way I give myself me time has actually been super offensive to some folks...and no. It is not drinking.
It is something I really don't have a name for other than the word “Allowing.” It is all about what I will and won't allow.
It is sort of about scheduling really, but maybe it is more about deflecting. It is how I manage those crazy sometimes highly emotionally charged things or people that want to bombard me at any time it suits them. You see with cell phones and close living arrangements and some friendships, people can put a lot of immediate demands on you for your time.
Now while I love my friends and family dearly and am concerned about others, I am careful about when I allow this sort of interaction. This means allowing myself to say ‘no’ sometimes or I acknowledging to myself that I need to deal with this later. It is actually more complex than this but for now I will explain it this way...
I’ve found if I am anticipating a meeting with a new client or doing any type of design work that even though I am my own boss I cannot always expend the emotional energy for this sort of distraction. Hey, I may work from home at times but I still set working hours, and I decide based on what I need to accomplish that day or even that week...when I can allow other distractions in.
I am also this way when it come to time with my children. Because I am divorced and they are not always around, when they are and I am not working I want to give them my full attention.
This doesn't mean I won't get to it at some point, but in order for me to function well, I have to allow myself to fit those things into my day when I know they won't be detrimental to what I have to accomplish.
As I was working on this blog I received this article in my inbox on loneliness called 'Being Alone Doesn't Mean You Are Lonely.' I thought it was timely with this post as it talks about there being a balance and suggests that “we need solitude and community simultaneously.”
I am sure as I master this “alone time thing,” that it will change over time but here is why it is valuable for me personally.
*I gives me a chance to be the priority. I may not be someone elses top priority but I am and can be mine, especially during the times when I feel out of balance and neglected.
* It gives me time to pull back every so often and think about the whole picture and how that fits into what I believe , need and want.
* It gives me a chance to nurture my spiritual and physical self. If it weren't for this time these two areas would be pretty much neglected in my life.
*I am able to escape from unnecessary noise and drama that leaves me feeling drained.
*It is time set aside to develop my gifts and talents.
*I can ask myself honest questions and face myself.
*It is a way to retreat from high stress people or situations.
*It recharges my battery and refreshes me.
*It allows me time to ponder on my relationships and see where my love and encouragement or time might be needed.
If you have never really done this for yourself maybe give it a try. It can be as simple as watching a favorite movie alone or tackling a recipe you've always wanted to try. Maybe you can just sit back and listen to your favorite music when no one is home or have some silence around you as you meditate.
This is the time you do something for yourself without being defined by the world around you. It is important.
The only advice I will give is not to let negative thought patterns circulate through your mind. I have had some personal experience with this which I plan to cover in the near future so you might stay posted if you have ever struggled with this.
So there you go! Start making time for yourself a priority! It will empower you. I promise.
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