How could I really be my own best friend? I mean seriously...what did that mean anyway???
Well now after years have gone by, and I am well out of my childhood...based off the numbers mind you. I promise I am still a girl at heart...I found myself telling my daughter to do just this the other night, but I did her a favor which I had never received. I explained exactly what this means to me...
In truth, the reason this idea made me so uncomfortable was because I knew it meant being comfortable with being alone. Which since things often overlap, will have be separated into a different post.
For much of my life until very recently I had not learned of the quiet power that can come from being alone. Even with my first blog post here a few years back I stated that I had finally learned to be alone but that it didn’t mean I liked it.
I was always the girl that hated to be alone. I am not sure if that was because I was the oldest of seven children or because of my Libra nature, but I had it bad.
The truth is that I always felt alone deep down inside and I suppose to fill that void I wanted to have people around...although the years have taught me that some people have the uncanny ability to make you feel alone even if you are with them all the time.
In my last post I talked about caring and being a people pleaser, which I really feel does play into the need to have others around. I explained how I cared a lot about what others thought of me, and I honestly think I have not been alone in this world ‘on basing my worth on the opinions of others.’
Now I while I won’t entirely discount the opinions of others. I now look at such things as though I were reading a highly subjective movie review, rather than a yardstick that is a measure of my character.
The opinions of others are just that...opinions! And although they can be informative at times, they can be destructive as well, and I find if people are spouting them off too frequently they are usually the latter. Isn't it curious that these are most often the people who know you the least?
Just remember opinions are not the whole picture.
Maybe it is such experiences that have changed me from the girl that always thought what she was missing was a very best girlfriend, to a grown lady who is capable of being her own friend when there isn't one around.
I am sure we all have various definitions of what a friend is. At the same time I am sure most of us share consistent expectations. I encourage you to make a list and take a look at it. Here is an example.
A friend is someone who...
is Loyal
is Honest
is Protective
is Fun
is Comfortable to be with
is Accepting
is Interesting
is Fun to talk to
is A Good listener
is Good company
Supports me
Listens to me
Likes me maybe even loves me
You get the idea. The of course there are the what a friend is ‘not’ list. Which is something like this...
A friend is not,,,
Judgemental
Sarcastic
Impatient
Negative
Needy
Jealous
Constantly demanding of my time and attention
Someone who shares my secrets and confidences with others
A person who talks down to me or brings me down
Someone who will slander me or stab me in the back
So here is the key. Now that you have a list to look at of what a friend is and is not, then you honestly measure yourself against the list. Because you know yourself better than anyone this is about seeing the facts and not others opinions, so ask yourself questions like...
Am I loyal to myself?
Am I honest with myself and others?
Am I protective of myself and my loved ones?
Am I fun?
Am I comfortable to be around, or do I put myself and others on edge?
Am I accepting of myself? (If you're not, how can you be of others?)
Am I interesting? (We will have to cover this in a separate post, but still ask yourself this question.)
Even ask yourself, Do I listen to myself? Do I know what I am saying, and what I am saying is really about? Are there hidden messages I am covering up? (If you are inconsistent in your messages with yourself I guarantee you are with those around you.)
Do I act supportive of my own dreams, desires and of myself during struggles?
Do I like myself?
Am I impatient?
Am I negative?
Am I needy or demanding?
Do I share my secrets and confidences with others?
This goes along with being protective of ourselves and I think it’s HUGE! Sometimes in our desire to relate to others by letting them know we aren't perfect either, we trust them with very personal things...information about our struggles or past experiences that leave us very vulnerable...especially if they haven't proved that they are trustworthy or have the compassion to see it and you, without judgement.
The funny thing about this is that when you share these sort of confidences with someone looking for their understanding, you run the risk that instead of them saying, “hey, you are human like me and I've had struggles too and feel less alone now”...they instead feel they have some sort of power over you or upper hand.
The folks who seem to need you to validate your humanness for them the most are the ones you shouldn’t take the risk on, as they are insecure and looking for any justification or evidence that somehow they just aren't as bad as you are.
Respect yourself enough to be protective of your life's past experiences. You know better than anyone that the lessons you’ve gained from what you've gone through have made you the much more conscious person that you are now.
If you have that understanding, when others give you a lot of information about themselves you can give them some respect as well letting them know that their various past experiences are just that, and they do not completely define them. It would be ignorance to think they do.
Also ask yourself am I a jealous person? (This is a big one that we will cover later)
This being your own friend is just as much about what kind of friend you are to others, as it is about what kind of friend you are to yourself.
The way you feel about yourself will often project into the way you feel about others. When you think you know something about someone, ask yourself if what you think you feel about them really is a reflection of something going on with you more than it really is something about them?
Remember this when you ask yourself do I talk down to myself? Am I critical or judgmental toward myself? Do I hold negative thoughts about myself that I tell myself over and over? If the answer is yes, then you need to change this pattern and fast! Nothing can keep you from being your own best friend, than already being your own worst enemy. So in the words that I have heard my boyfriend repeat over and over when I have been stuck in those negative talk patterns towards myself “STOP IT!”
So those are some steps I have taken to getting on the path to being my own best friend. It has been and still is a learning process and it takes time. It is my experience that I can usually only work on one item at a time on my list. It takes work and a lot of time an effort to invest in your relationship with yourself, which is really no different than the sacrifices you would make in any other relationship.
The benefits of working on the friendship you have with yourself, is that you are more in control of the outcome. Be warned though, it can also be more painful at times because you have to be honest with yourself and let go of patterns that are destructive that you can sometimes ignore in others.
I am gentle with myself about this process of growing and changing because that is what a good friend would be, and because I am committed to be my own best friend.
Some reasons for this are that I alone am responsible for my happiness. No one else is. I also know that people have and will, come and go in my life and that changes in our relationships are inevitable. It is unfair to expect others to solely fulfill my personal needs or to hold them prisoner to my expectations. I have to make sure I am the friend who will provide what I need for myself first so that no matter what, I know it is there to receive no matter how alone I might actually be.
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